Weasel Story
by GoesKaboom
Summary: When Deidara finds a fuzzy little weasel, it seems to be taking Itachi's place. So Itachi tries everything to get rid of the intruder. Oneshot.


Weasel Story

**Note: I do not own Naruto. **

**Warnings: Mild language, OOCness, and extreme insanity. **

"Huh? What's this-un?" Deidara was walking up the steps to the lair and saw a little fuzzy thing lying there. He poked it, and the fuzzy thing bit his hand. "OW! What was that for, you piece of crap-un?" But when the fuzzy thing looked at him, his heart melted. "IT'S SO CUTE-UN!" Sitting on the steps, blinking up at him, was a fuzzy little weasel. He scooped it up in his cloak and carried in inside.

"Uh... Deidara?" Zetsu asked. "You cloak is kind of... moving on its own." Deidara turned around to see that the cloak was no longer on the chair where he had left it.

"Deidara-sempai, your cloak is over here!" Tobi called from the TV room. So he brought it back in the kitchen, and the weasel tumbled out. "Aww..." Tobi said. "It's so cute!"

"Hmmm... I bet it would taste good with some hot sauce..." Zetsu muttered under his breath. "And some good sake... maybe some rice pilaf, topped off with a generous slice of chocolate ganache..." Yes, you read that correctly. Zetsu was planning the Weasel Menu. "Maybe I could flavor it with that garlic butter Ninja Gourmet sent me..."

"NO-UN!" Deidara yelped. "No eating Mr. Fluffybutt-un!" But before he realized it, Mr. Fluffybutt had escaped. Ten minutes later, Kisame came in holding a wet, bedraggled weasel.

"Can someone explain why this... whatever it is jumped in the pool like a maniac? Is it trying to kill itself?" Deidara freaked.

"Mr. Fluffybutt-un! Bad weasel-un! You could have died-un!"

"Mr. Fluffybutt is a stupid name," Kisame said. "Why don't you give it a normal name, like Itachi?"

"What do you want?" Itachi (the human one) called from the other room.

"We weren't talking to you!" Kisame yelled back.

"Well, don't say my name then!"  
"We were talking about the weasel," Tobi said, trying to clarify things. BIG mistake.

"I'M NOT A WEASEL DAMMIT!" Itachi screamed. "I DIDN'T CHOOSE MY NAME, THOSE STUPID PARENTS OF MINE DID! WHY DO YOU THINK I KILLED THEM!? NEVER CALL ME A WEASEL AGAIN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DIE YOUNG!"

"Actually, there is a real, life, fuzzy weasel in here-un," Deidara replied. "And it's name is Mr. Fuzzybutt-un."

"You're not for serious," Itachi said. "Leader-sama will never allow you to keep it." The Leader walked in. "Speak of the devil." Leader took one look at Mr. Fuzzybutt/Itachi and squee'd.

"This weasel is officially the mascot of Akatsuki! Someone make him a little cloak!" he said happily. "Itachi, move in with Zetsu. The weasel gets your room."

"WHAT?" both of them yelled at the same time.

"You mean a WEASEL is going to get my room?" Itachi yelled, scowling.

"But I like having my own room!" Zetsu whined.

"Just suck it up," the Leader said. "That weasel deserves special treatment." It was a very pissed off Itachi that moved the boxes from his former room.

"Damn that weasel!" he said. "It's such a pain!"

"Hey, I don't like this any more than you do," Zetsu snapped. "Lets just hope that Leader-sama and Deidara get sick of that stupid critter soon."

Meanwhile, Deidara was finishing up the tiny Akatsuki cloak for Fluffybutt/Itachi the Second.

"Aww..." everybody except Itachi said. "It's adorable!"

"Feh..." Itachi said quietly to himself. "I'll give it to my foolish little brother... it will be hilarious!" He allowed himself a quiet smile. He would be in control of the situation, and he would watch as the weasel and Sasuke drove each other insane. It was going to be more entertaining than _Kill Bill, _his favorite movie! So the second the rest of the Akatsuki left the weasel unguarded, he swooped in with a bag and scooped it up. Then he snuck into Konoha and let it go in Sasuke's house.

"WEASEL! MUST KILL!" Sasuke yelled. "Feel my wrath, worthless itachi! Taste my anguish!" The terrified Mr. Fluffybutt escaped into the night, and Itachi innocently walked back to the lair.

"Hey, where's Itachi?" Tobi asked.

"I'm over here, dumbass," Itachi yelled from the TV room.

"Not you, the weasel!" Itachi had to hold back a snicker. That damn weasel would not be coming back. Then, the doorbell rang.

"Hey! Mr. Fluffybutt figured out how to ring the doorbell-un!" said Deidara proudly. "IT'S SO CUTE-UN!" Itachi cursed so much there were garbage dumps cleaner than his language. Now he knew: he wasn't getting rid of the weasel that easily.

The next morning, he woke up more determined than ever to annhilate the stupid furry animal. Zetsu snored like a lawn mower, but he mainly couldn't stand that a random weasel was suddenly more important than him! So while everyone was eating breakfast, he caught the struggling weasel and ATTEMPTED to Mangekyou it, but it was as if the weasel knew what was coming. It closed its eyes.

"YOU GODDAMN WEASEL!" Itachi finally screamed. He was at the end of his rope and the evil little weasel was sitting there, taunting him. "HOW CAN YOU BE STABBED FOR 72 HOURS AND NOT FEEL ANYTHING? ARE YOU A ROCK? WHY WON'T YOU DIE? DO I NEED AN AK-47?! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE INDESTRUCTIBLE!"

"Are you OK?" Kisame demanded, running into the room.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Itachi replied.

"Dude, you're not fine-un," Deidara said. "You're screaming at a weasel-un,"

"I'M NOT SCREAMING!" Itachi screamed. Finally, Deidara smacked him.

"Get ahold of yourself-un!" Itachi glowered at him.

"What was that for?" he complained. "Unlike certain weasels, you _will _feel pain if I stab you for 72 hours."

"You wouldn't dare-un," Deidara said threataningly. "I'll blow up the lair if you try-un!"

"No you won't!" The Leader said . "We JUST got the roof fixed after the last time you blew it off. If you break it again you're fixing it yourself!"

"Fine-un," Deidara replied grudingly.

"Oh, Itachi," the leader added. "Stop attacking the mascot! What did it ever do to you?"

"You gave it my room! And you called me a weasel!" Itachi shouted.

"We never called you a weasel," Tobi said. "We called the WEASEL a weasel."

"ARGH!" Itachi yelled.

"He means Mr. Fluffybutt-un," Deidara clarified.

"Oh. But I still want my room back!" Itachi said. Just then, Zetsu came in with a wooden box.

"It's done! The snack- I mean weasel- WEASEL's house is done! Now that it has a place to stay, just give Itachi his room back."

"AMEN!" Itachi hollered in response. Mr. Fluffybutt sniffed his new house, and crawled in the box. He yawned, then curled up.

"Aww..." everyone said. At this point, Itachi had to agree: Maybe this weasel wasn't so bad after all.

**The End **

Omake- Author's Comments-

This story actually started because I wanted to write a one-shot that was more than 500 words, and it turned into this. I hope you enjoyed!

-GoesKaboom


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